Never enough time….

It seems that I’m always trying to do 3 or 4 things at one time and never quite finishing any of them! LOL

I’m in the middle of giving my bathroom an update/facelift. Can’t afford to gut it and start over, wouldn’t that be nice?, so fresh paint, new light fixture, new sink/counter, pictures and I’m good to go!

Also started in on Family History. I was watching the News one night and they were talking about Ancestry.com. They mentioned that you don’t have to always “pay” to start looking……one website they listed is called “Find A Grave.com”. It sounded so insane to me that I had to check it out. I found one ancestor after another and so it began.

I always figured that doing your Genealogy was something one did when one was “older”. I guess I’m older now! Ha! But I have to say it is very interesting and really addictive…..I tell people I’m possessed by it. But I’m taking a break for a while just because I need to. I wasn’t accomplishing anything else.

Now if the weather would cooperate I could get my yard work going. It seems that we can’t make up our mind on the season to be in these days. One weekend we hit 80 degrees and the next we’ve got snow. The temps are way below what they should be and the skies are cloudy and depressing. Spring my ass!!

Okay, I’m outta here for a while. Need to finish the bathroom, just some final touches needed there and then hopefully the weather changes and I can get outside where I want to be.

Adios

Here again…..

Here I am again……it’s been 2 years! Can’t really believe that.

So much has happened but then again only one thing that changed the way I exist. My Mom passed away back in November. From past writings it is very obvious that I did struggle with her , her life style, my siblings, doctors, you name it I had to deal with it. But I don’t have to do that any longer.

It’s weird that sometimes I feel guilty, about having so much time for myself…..why? I’m not really sure, but I’m sure it has to do with me not having much of a life that didn’t involve my Moms needs on a daily basis. Now I can “start” my life. What I was attempting to do when I brought my Mom here in 2006.

So now that I have wasted my writing time on moving my blog over to this “WordPress” thing I’m going to have to stop. I hope to amuse myself, mostly, with my ramblings in this place but I also hope some of my old friends find their way back and new ones just find their way here.

What to do…..

I really try not to "bitch"
about my family problems. Maybe it’s not actually "family" problems more than
"my" own problems!

 

My life has become consumed
with "doing" for others (namely my clients and that’s my job)……but also my
Mom. Now this doesn’t bother me, even if she does need more help from her
family then most people her age. But maybe not…….maybe I just think so.
She’ll be 80 the end of this month and has more things wrong with her than
anyone her age or younger should have to experience…….all at the same
time!

 

You know she broke her hip
last August and was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last May. Along with that she is
a Type 2 Diabetic, has a really screwed up back (she has one of those humps, not
huge, but there) consisting of crushed vertebrae and such, a not-so-good ticker
(triple by-pass in 2001), neuropathy in her feet (constant pain to the point her
feet are sort of numb but she can stand) and she had Cellulitis while in re-hab
from the broken hip which has cleared (so they say) and now she has something
called Lymphedema which has her legs so swollen it hurts me to look at
them.

 

She had the RFA (radio
frequency ablation) done but her 6 month PET Scan showed that the cancer was
back. We have decided to use Radiation this time. She has her first treatment
tomorrow. Her cancer is in the First Stage and the tumor is small. Lots of hope
for the radiation treatments getting this tumor.

 

Now that you know all of
this I will get to my point……the part where I "bitch"!

My brother and myself have
taken her to every doctors appointment. Took turns visiting her in the hospital
and re-hab. My brother even had her stay with him for 2 weeks before she went
back to her apartment. We pick-up her prescriptions. Get what she needs from
Walmart (personal stuff) and what ever else comes up. I have rearranged my
schedule and even worked Saturdays to take my Mom to an appointment during the
week. My brother has done the same.

 

We asked our sister to do
Moms grocery shopping once a week. That’s it……that’s all. Out of the past 6
weeks or less that she’s suppose to do this she has asked me twice to do it. Now
she has said that she’s just too busy and will look into hiring
someone to do the shopping! Too busy? She’s a stay-at-home mom…..all 3 girls
are in school all day…..they are 9, 10 & 11 and can do many things for
themselves…….she rarely has a clean house or laundry all done and she
doesn’t go to a "job" every day!!!! I know, being a mom and wife is a
job……for most……not my sister because her life is consumed with Girls
Scouts and anything else she can get involved in that will make her look good to
all the other parents at the school. Really, I’m not kidding. As far as her own
Mother, sister or brother are concerned, we are of no concern.

 

So……this has eaten away
at me and I really don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to her anymore because
she actually makes me sick…..mentally mostly. That’s not a good thing for me.
I "stew" on the way she has no feelings or thoughts about how she treats her own
Mother. She didn’t even know Mom was going to start Radiation until I took Mom
for her second appointment for the "set-up" on the machine. I can’t talk to her
because she justifies everything she does, or doesn’t do, in some way. She
really thinks she’s in the right! And no……it’s not her way of "dealing" with
things. She hardly knows what "things" are going on with Mom. I feel so bad for
my Mom.

 

But I do know that "what
goes around comes around" and my sister is setting the example for her own girls
right now and I’m sure she doesn’t even realize it. I truly believe that at some
point in her life she will be treated the same and I have to tell you, I’m
totally okay with that! I’m sorry, but she’s been approached by family to
make amends with her Mother before she no longer can. She doesn’t do it…..she
doesn’t help…..she leaves everything to my brother and myself. That’s okay, I
just hate that my Mom knows about all of this.

 

Okay……big breath
out…….I feel somewhat better now.

Thanks for listening…..if
you didn’t leave after the second paragraph! LOL

One more thing…..I went to that other "Blogging" Place to try it out…. http://keepsitsimple.blogspot.com/ 

 

Colleen

 

Happy New Year!?

Another year is upon
us……

 

I know, I’m a little late in wishing
everyone a Happy New Year not to mention
Merry Christmas!

 

It just came so quickly and was gone
just as quickly! My holidays were pretty much un-eventful, but that’s okay. I
was more than happy to just get thru them this year. We had such crummy weather,
snow days, that it really put me behind on work. Had to make up days on my
Saturdays off! That was annoying all by itself. So I never really got into the
spirit of things! But now it’s back to normal…..as normal as it can be I
suppose.

 

I’m spending the day inside due to
the weather….again. If you don’t know, the upper Midwest has been in a deep
freeze for the past 4 days or so. Temps not getting above -10 or so for our
highs. Add to that the wind chill and we were at -30 or more! Sheesh, even the
schools were shut down on Thursday and Friday. But not me, my truck started
every morning and so I went to work. I would not have minded if it didn’t start.
Then I could justify a day off. But of course the "miser" that I am, I would
have worried about not making money to pay the bills! LOL

 

So now I’m thinking about going out
and getting my mail. Which would mean getting dressed in warmer
clothing….putting my hat, scarf, coat, boots and gloves on…..and making my
way across the street to my mailbox. Sounds like such a chore! Maybe later!
Oh yeah, I’m expecting a movie from Netflix so I will definitely make the
journey out!

 

It’s snowing…..again…..another
chance to use my snow thrower. I got it in November and I love it. Does that
sound weird? I don’t care if it does. I went thru 4 winters without one and I’m
soooo glad I have one this year. We have had lots of snow already and it has
made things so much easier. I sometimes think there isn’t enough snow to use it,
but then I think "what the hell", that’s what I got it for! I’ve let the snow
pile up due to the frigid temps. It was enough to get into the garage and then
haul stuff into the house, get the mail and get inside when it was so cold. I
never could bring myself to go back out.

 

An update on my Mom…..she’s doing
better, considering everything that’s wrong with her, but she has recovered very
nicely after breaking her hip in August. She uses the walker all the time now
but that’s okay. She went for her 6 month check on her lung cancer, it’s back,
but still very early stage and a small tumor. We will probably go with Radiation
treatments this time. The RFA (radio frequency ablation) was a good try at the
time. But since it didn’t kill it off completely the doctor is leaning to the
radiation. I told my Mom not to be so afraid. She remembers when my Dad had
cancer, that was 20 years ago, and the technology has come a long way now. I
also told her that if she can not bear it she has a choice. She’ll be 80 the end
of February and we are all amazed she’s lived this long.

 

I hope that doesn’t sound bad, but
you would have to know my mom, how she has lived her life, and it would sound
perfectly okay! I don’t want her to pass on, but I also do not want her to
suffer anymore than she has. I can always tell that she’ll be okay because she
can "bitch" about things. When she stops doing that I’ll know she’s given up!
And then I may have to just let go.

 

Okay…..that’s it for now. Since
most everyone of my blogging friends has moved over to Blogspot I will have to
go see what that is all about. I normally love change, but I hate that Spaces
does it on a regular basis and then doesn’t even do things that I like! LOL So
I’ll check out Blogspot and maybe make yet another change!

 

Hugs to all,

Colleen

 

And so it goes…..

This week I found out that an ex-boyfriend had
died.

 

It was a very casual question, more or less, in an
email from a friend back in Arizona. She had asked if I remembered "so & so"
and that he died in September. I just sat there looking at that sentence. Just
one sentence and then she went on with the rest of the email.

 

I think I was in a mild form of shock……more
because of the casual statement really then of his passing.

 

Do you think that’s cold? It’s not. Do you know
why? Because I knew it would happen. I knew he would die before he should. But
then again, what is the "right" time to die?

 

If you know me you know I believe in
"Signs"……not the ones you see on the road, but really the ones you feel or
maybe have in a dream. You see I had a dream, couldn’t tell you exactly when,
and Jim was in it. It surprised me because I hadn’t thought about him in a very
long time. We were together when I was around 21, I’m more than twice that age
now! But we had been in contact since then more or less by chance meetings
and such. But I haven’t talked to him since before I moved so I would say around
7 years or more now.

 

Anyway, I wish now I had made an effort to see how
he and his family were when I had that dream. It was a family of 4 boys and a
Mom and Dad that were great. Jim and I just weren’t meant to be. Maybe I was too
young, probably , but I am glad we met. It’s not always the "one" person you are
with, but all the others you may never have met.

 

Another sad thing was that while trying to find out
more about Jim I came across another Obituary for his brother who had died this
past July from cancer. I couldn’t believe that he died….I actually thought
that my friend had it wrong and it was not Jim. But both had passed…..survived
by their Mother and two brothers. I again had a sadness for a mother who had to
not only bury her husband, but also two sons.

 

I have these types of dreams……and never acted
on them. Like everyone else I pretty much forgot my dream as fast as I had it.
But the remembrance of "who" was in it always stays with me, especially when I
haven’t talked to or seen that person, much less thought about, in many years. I
always wonder "why" was that person in my dream?

 

So I’ve decided to act on these "Signs" in the
future. How? I’m not sure. But if it could be as simple as writing a letter I’ll
do it.

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone…..be thankful
for all that you have and for all the people in your life.

Each comes for a reason……..

 

Hugs,

Colleen